tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72170003424595566382024-03-16T01:08:53.537-06:00Patten Pending: The Official Blog of Author E.J. PattenEJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-81501550777210100002021-12-09T18:27:00.000-07:002021-12-09T18:27:17.494-07:00Hate Mail<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Sir,<o:p></o:p></span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">I am writing regarding your recent publications, or lack
thereof, and your mismanagement of missives pertaining to such. You are remiss,
Sir, in your submissions and—dare I say?—phlegmatically under-emotive in your
overly-omittive emissions.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you were a math problem, you would require division by
zero, Sir. If you were a painting, you would be a Van Gone. Forsooth, methinks I
shall compare thee to a grand play performed by an invisible mime who may or
may not be stuck in a box, but if he was, how would we know? And honestly, any imaginary
creature capable of incarcerating itself in an invisible box has earned the
solitude. Methinks you, Sir, have become just such a creature! A pox on your invisible box—a pox
I say!<o:p></o:p></span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">I believe I speak for all your one-time readers when I say, “shave
that hideous hobo beard and finish a book!”<o:p></o:p></span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipXv7lrVILdg72P5kOdB9jx0xq-LwI60K0mJaXy3-ATXBrWcNNLFZeqi90B1XtK7NwFUoTMs36sN-hjOJvkpffmKADrh_UGGzbBTYuDqiiZyK-vSi2QQqIqdk4IZft_mjiWI0KohfqQ_E/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1955" height="56" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipXv7lrVILdg72P5kOdB9jx0xq-LwI60K0mJaXy3-ATXBrWcNNLFZeqi90B1XtK7NwFUoTMs36sN-hjOJvkpffmKADrh_UGGzbBTYuDqiiZyK-vSi2QQqIqdk4IZft_mjiWI0KohfqQ_E/w54-h56/Echo13.png" width="54" /></a></div><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Yours In Aggressive Waiting and Judgment,<o:p></o:p></span></i><p></p><p class="MsoNormal">
</p><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">EJ Patten</span></i><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Yes, I am in fact writing hate mail to myself. I haven't finished my next book. I haven't blogged for...wow, like five years? That can't be right. </p><p class="MsoNormal">My last surgery was a year ago (neck fusion and disc replacement). I've been feeling pretty good since then. I've been writing, but I'm a bit stuck. For now, until I actually manage to finish a book, here are some snippets from my freeform writing (i.e., things I write to challenge myself and/or reengage my mind). </p><p class="MsoNormal">With the first one ("Ode to an Office Printer") I felt like my writing had gone flat, so I picked one of the most boring things I could think of (an office printer) and tried to make it interesting. </p><p class="MsoNormal">The second one ("Night Falls Dark") is a poem I wrote after a surgery. Be warned, it's a bit grim.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><u><b><br /></b></u></p><p class="MsoNormal"><u><b>Ode to an Office Printer</b></u></p><div style="text-align: left;">The printer smelled of death and ozone. It had taken the
life of many young office assistants. Bright lights. A too hot laser. Ink
accidents. The power supply had a short in it that would cause the unit to hum
incessantly, driving normal people mad and mad people murderous. The body was
an eggshell turned beige with time. Some believed the unit predated the wooly
mammoth, but carbon testing proved inconclusive. Paper jams weren’t uncommon.
New assistants often made the mistake of printing on envelopes, which would jam
endlessly like the lead guitarist in a heavy metal band who really wanted to
get out of his day job, and would, if not for his inability to play the guitar.</div><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><div style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><b><u>Night Falls Dark<br /></u></b>I saw a
creature dark and true,<br /> buried in a
midnight bog.<br /> There was
nothing I could do.<br /> It climbed
afoot to rend anew,<br /> the life that I
forgot.<br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>I could not run
though I raced<br /> round the
purpled bend.<br /> I could not
fight, though I thought,<br /> to flee the
creature<br /> and ascend.<br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>Stippled feet
and burning cross,<br /> it rises to a
stop,<br /> and kills,<br /> the piper and
the lamb;<br /> screams dying
to descend<br />and rot,<br /> never rise
again.<br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>I saw it
yesterday,<br /> falling through
the jasmine sky,<br /> star-kissed
madness,<br /> AN-NA-MUL,<br /> drawing near me
where I lie.<br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>Until it land
upon me there,<br /> climbing from
within,<br /> a withered
husk,<br /> a corpse
undone,<br /> a monster, not
a man.<br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>A monster that was
once a man—that is what I am.<br /> Long roads lead
to empty ends.<br /> No matter how
far I walk, knife in hand<br />—the ticking
clock—<br />night falls
dark in every man.</div><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p><p><br /> </p><p></p>EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-91701011007077219672016-12-26T17:36:00.001-07:002016-12-26T17:36:35.873-07:00No News Is, etc.Ever hear the saying "no news is good news?"<br />
<br />
It's a lie.<br />
<br />
Mostly.<br />
<br />
Health-wise, I've been doing pretty well for over a year now. So why haven't I finished the next <i>Hunter Chronicles</i> book (or <i>any</i> book for that matter)?<br />
<br />
I have no idea.<br />
<br />
Well, I have some idea. Okay, a pretty good idea, actually. The problem is, there's a conspiracy of factors and no simple answer. Five years of health problems weren't in my game plan. Book sales didn't exactly carry me through the period either. So I'm playing catch up, financially and otherwise. Trying to survive. My family, it seems, prefers eating over not eating. I've been trying to teach my children to subsist on delicious toast, but sadly I'm no Samuel the Simpleton. Guy could live for like a year on a single piece of sourdough. Crazy.<br />
<br />
But I digress.<br />
<br />
When will I finish my next book? I don't know. But honestly, if I haven't finished something in the next six months, I'm going to start sending myself hate mail. I know what it's like to fall in love with a series, or even a shy liking, and have to wait years for an author to get around to writing the next book. Now that I'm seeing it from the other side, well, I should probably write some letters of apology. I'm not going to, of course, because seriously, <i>just</i> <i>finish</i> <i>it</i>.<br />
<br />
I appreciate the prodding and encouragement. I'll try to blog more, even if all I can share is bad news. At some point, I will have good news. Or some really funny hate mail.EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-92027014689364080902015-09-21T13:26:00.000-06:002015-09-21T20:11:06.024-06:00Throwaway IdeasI've had some really terrible ideas. I mean awful. Sometimes they pop up while I'm reading. Other times, they might hit me in the middle of a conversation. Someone says something and I make ridiculous connections.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Bad ideas are the dark side of a creative mind.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've gotten good at filtering myself over the years. Well, mostly. I do a lot of rewriting and even more apologizing. Fortunately, most of my ideas are <i>amazing</i>. Here are a few examples:<br />
<div>
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<li>A Ferris wheel powered by hamsters</li>
<li>Better tasting roach spray</li>
<li>A book about fart sounds and how to mask them</li>
<li>Four tips on how NOT to give a eulogy</li>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I particularly like that last one.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Tip #1: Don't animate the corpse to clap during the best parts of your eulogy.</div>
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Tip #3: Don't prop the corpse up next to you and pretend to have a conversation with it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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An idea like this, I might develop into a scene. Or, it might help me build out aspects of a character's personality. I might start thinking, "What kind of eulogy would a particular character give?" or "what kind of fart masking does this character employ?"</div>
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Sometimes ridiculous questions can break a cycle of tedium and get our minds moving laterally again. And sometimes, they're just funny, and that's enough. </div>
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EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-49243064752098437052015-05-20T11:58:00.000-06:002015-05-20T11:58:02.329-06:00Just A Flesh WoundStill alive. I had surgery about three weeks ago--my fourth in roughly a year, as it turns out. The upside to all the cutting is that I've now learned enough medical jargon to fulfill my dream of writing <i>Boogie Schnauzer, Dog M.D.</i> The downside, of course, is that I have such terrible dreams.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
But I'm better now and hopefully my dreams will improve and whoever has my voodoo doll will stop poking it long enough for me to write another book.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news, quantum mechanics is complicated.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That is all.</div>
EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-91564388507059600472014-07-10T13:35:00.000-06:002014-07-10T13:35:50.886-06:00SurfacingRumors of my abduction have been moderately exaggerated. I'm still here despite evidence to the contrary. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
For those of you wondering when my next book is coming out...I have no idea. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Bad answer, I know. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I have several works in progress--including the third Hunter Chronicles book--but health issues have derailed my writing efforts over the last year or so. And no, I'm not that old. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Fortunately, I think doctors are finally honing in on the problem. Looks like it's either a parathyroid or kidney issue--not sure yet. Either way, I'm hoping to be back to full steam by the end of summer. I'll keep you posted.</div>
EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-67990024422995305902013-07-25T12:06:00.000-06:002013-07-25T12:06:35.403-06:00Untold Endings to Classic Children's Stories: The Case Against Growing Up
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are reading this, you are most likely the worst kind
of person. A turd. A blunderhead. A jack-a-napes. A one-eyed-lily-hustler. You,
my friend, are an adult and there’s not a more horrible creation on the face of
all of God’s green earth.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know. I used to be one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wear a suit, a tie. Sit. Do things that rhyme with “sit.” Do
what you’re told. Tell others. Use words like “greenhouse gas,” “Boolean,” and
“rectal thermometer” with a straight face. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pay taxes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe you’ve read <i>Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory</i>, <i>Alice in
Wonderland</i>, and <i>The Jungle Book</i>,
or at least seen the movies.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m talking about what happened after Charlie, Alice, and
Mogli grew up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take Charlie for example. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back in the sixties Willie Wonka could clearly see that the
tides were turning for chocolate factories, particularly his American-based
holdings after the FCC forced him to shut down the Television Room what with the
Mike Teavee incident and all. Lawsuits came aplenty. Willie chose Charlie as
his successor and hotfooted it out, leaving Charlie with a magic boatload of
problems. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But a Golden Ticket and an honest, good-natured disposition
does not a CEO make.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The FAA confiscated the great glass elevator for improper
licensing and safety violations. The FDA forced Charlie to destroy all edible
trees and rivers of chocolate due to health concerns and unsanitary conditions.
The real low point for Charlie came when the NSA raided the factory and
deported the Oompa-Loompas who, as illegals, were stealing jobs from Americans.
Operations ceased overnight, forcing Charlie to issue an IPO in order to raise
funds and keep the factory afloat.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Charlie was getting sick of three letter acronyms, and had a
few choice four-letter words he wanted to share—a bad sign that the disease of
adulthood was upon him.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At some point, the magic leaves our lives.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alice grew up to become a politician. She ran for president
and chose the Cheshire Cat as her VP. He was all smiles and vanishing acts. She
declared Iran as the new Red Queen and swore to slay her with her vorpal sword.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the age of twenty, Mogli was arrested for public
urination. He spent years drifting through the legal system. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In his later years, Charlie, as CEO of Wonka Industries,
spent much of his time in board meetings crafting mission statements and
sipping water from recycled bottles. He looked over graphs and itemized
reports. And sometimes—only sometimes—he thought about Willie and wondered
where the magic went.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being an adult sucks. I know. I used to be one. Like Peter
Pan, I refuse to grow up. I will laugh when someone says “rectum” and cry when
someone does something mean. I will wrestle with my kids and wear sweatpants to
work because I want to. And also because I work at home. I will have fun even
if everyone else is serious and I will smile just because.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I won’t lose the magic.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Repeat after me: “I won’t lose the magic.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-91017277154197839542013-05-28T09:54:00.001-06:002013-05-28T09:57:48.206-06:00Nathaniel the Noteworthy Eats Delicious ToastA few weeks ago, someone asked me what the whole "toast thing" was about in <i>Return to Exile</i>. Maybe you remember this. Sky was trying to convince Crystal to help him rather than hunt the Gnomon and he related the story of Nathaniel the Noteworthy, Samuel the Simpleton, toast, and the Tourmaline of Foresight.<br />
<br />
In the first draft of <i>Return to Exile </i>the story of Nathaniel the Noteworthy and his encounter with Samuel's delicious toast was far more extensive. An entire chapter in fact. Only a few bits survived. I've included that chapter below to give you another glimpse of how the story evolved over time.<br />
<br />
Keep reading if you like delicious toast.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">A Note on Curiosity</span></b><span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">(Taken
from the secret writings of Professor Anastasia Livingstone, Founder of the
Livingstone Institute for Science and Mathematics at Arkhon Academy)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Now curiosity is a curious thing, and
native curiosity is even <i>more</i>
curious—it being such a rare nativity for even a curious person to possess.
Take for instance the notorious “Nathaniel the Noteworthy”. Being a common
bloke—a non-native curioso, if you will—Nathaniel was obsessed with finding the
infamous “Tourmaline of Foresight” (a rare gemstone said to be owned by one “Samuel
the Simpleton”).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Nathaniel searched high and low for the
gem, traveling from Prestwitch to Germanium in northern Umpshire, until he
finally found the Tower of Lowdunderkis, clambered through the Portal of
Perfectus the Imperfect, and entered the Edge, where said Simpleton was
said to live.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">As those of us who have traveled
through the Edge can attest, the path was fraught with peril. Nathaniel
crossed the Fiefdom of Fidorkun the Fearful, clawed through the Catacombs of
Karakus the Cantankerous, and swam the length of the Ingubriate Ocean.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">In the Ingubriate Ocean, he only
narrowly avoided the Kraken of Trajukistan with the help of Rubber Duckus the
Ineffable from the Cape of Lost Hope (not to be confused with Rubber Duckus the
Effable from North Emblin, Dorchester County whose drowning in the dregs of an
overlarge tea kettle was as tragic as it was unsurprising).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">On the Beach of Bungled Dreams,
Nathaniel found the Gibbering Pool of Unhelpful Insights and plunged into its fathomless depths. He emerged, confused but determined, and continued on
through the Forest of Unfailing Faithlessness until he reached the Desert of
Deplorable Deforestation and bought a map off of Oliver the Indirect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">He wandered for twenty years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">After twenty years, Samuel the
Simpleton—who had been watching the wandering from his cottage twenty feet
away—asked Nathaniel if he was lost, whereupon Nathaniel admitted that he was,
in fact, lost and finally asked for directions. Samuel invited Nathaniel in and
they had a dialog that went something like this: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Would you like some toast?” asked
Samuel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Do you have jam?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“No; no jam—just toast.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“How can you eat toast with no jam?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“How can you eat <i>not</i> toast with or without jam?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“What’s that supposed to mean?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“What’s that <i>not</i> supposed to mean?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“I don’t really know what it’s supposed
to mean or not mean; how could I know?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“How could you <i>not</i> know?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Nathaniel stared at Samuel until Samuel
shifted and broke eye contact.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Um…I have butter…” Samuel admitted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Oh, butter’s great then, thank you,”
said Nathaniel as Samuel handed him a piece of buttered toast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Nathaniel took a bite.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“This toast is quite delicious,” said
Nathaniel, who hadn’t tasted toast in a good long time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Thank you. The secret is to <i>not burn it</i>,” said Samuel, his voice
full of confusing portent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Nathaniel took another crunching bite,
the sound echoing in the awkward silence as bits of toast fell and lodged in
his beard, which was quite long after twenty years of wandering without a
razor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">After another bite—and another minute
of awkward crunching—Nathaniel decided to take the conversation in hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“I have come for the Tourmaline of
Foresight!” he trumpeted dramatically.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Samuel looked up from his toast and stared at Nathaniel until Nathaniel shifted and broke eye contact.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“I knew this day would come,” said
Samuel as he took another bite of toast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Oh? Did the Tourmaline tell you that?”
asked Nathaniel, impressed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“No. (chew, chew) Oliver told me you
were coming after he sold you the map.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Oh.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Sooo…can I have it then?” asked
Nathaniel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“What’s that?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“The Tourmaline of Foresight; can I
have it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“And what would you do with it once you
had it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Why, I would ask it questions about
the future and it would answer them. Am I going to be rich? Am I going to find
true love? Will I ever have toast this delicious again? What’s the point of it
all?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“What’s the point of all what?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“All…<i>this</i>,” said Nathaniel, waving his arms around.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“This cottage?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“No, no; <i>this</i>! What’s the point of <i>all
this</i>! This world! This time thing! This <i>life</i>!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Oh <i>that</i>;
right, I’m with you now. So you would ask the Tourmaline questions and you
think it would give you answers, do you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Um…yes; that’s the point of the
Tourmaline of Foresight, isn’t it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Maybe (crunch, crunch, swallow), I’ve
never really asked.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Never asked?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“I really think you’d be much happier
with the Carbuncle of Self-Loathing,” said Samuel as he stood from the table,
walked to an old clothes hamper and started pulling out indescribables.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Carbuncle of Self-Loathing? I didn’t
swim the Straights of Stygian Stench to find the Carbuncle of Self-Loathing! I
came for the Tourmaline of Foresight and that’s what I shall have!” declared
Nathaniel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Just so, just so. Ah! Here we are!”
Samuel returned to the table clutching a soiled handkerchief in one hand and a
yellowed sock made up of more holes than sock in the other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">He opened the handkerchief and dumped a
yellow stone upon the table. At the same time, he upended the sock and a purple
stone tumbled from the toe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“I give you the Carbuncle and the
Tourmaline!” said Samuel dramatically.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“You give them to me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Figure of speech; more dramatic than
saying ‘lookie here’.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Oh. Right.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Now, you may ask each stone one
question, and whichever pleases you more is the one you may have.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Nathaniel leaned over and picked up the
purple gem. Holding it to his eye, he asked, “Am I going to be rich?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">A moment passed, and then an image
appeared in the stone, swimming up from its murky depths. Nathaniel gasped as
he saw his future self rolling in a pile of gold coins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Satisfied, he set the purple gem aside
and picked up the other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Holding it to his eye he asked:
“What’s the point of all this?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Nothing appeared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Try giving it a little shake,” said
Samuel, “sometimes that helps.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Nathaniel shook the gem and returned it to his eye.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Watery smoke swirled in the jewels
depths, and then, from somewhere deep within, words floated to the surface:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">What?
You mean this cottage?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Nathaniel’s brow creased as he dropped
the gemstone from his eye.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">“Um…can I see that first one again?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Nathaniel left the cottage a moment
later. Using the purple stone, he avoided the Bickering Bats of Whitmore, slid
past the Stagnant Swamps of Revolving Revulsion, took the stairs up the Cliffs
of Maddening Madness, and returned to Prestwitch, Dorset County, where he was
greeted—as he knew he would be—by a beautiful farm girl whom he knew was, in
reality, a rich princess in hiding. They later married and Nathaniel became
rich beyond his wildest dreams—as he knew he would.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Now, after hearing this story, most
people assume that Nathaniel the Noteworthy left the cottage of Samuel the
Simpleton with the Tourmaline of Foresight in hand. After all, the stone he
possessed showed him the future: he married a princess, he became rich, and he
never did have toast as delicious as Samuel’s again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">But in this, most people are mistaken. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">The difference between the curioso (the
natively curious) and the non-curioso (the non-natively curious and the
uncurious) is that the non-curiosos are constantly looking for solutions—someone
to tell them what to do and what’s next, even if that someone is a pushy stone. They look to the future as a set
thing, a place full of <i>answers</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">This was definitely the case with
Nathaniel the Noteworthy who, it should be said, was most noteworthy for being
a know-it-all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">The curiosos, on the other hand, are
constantly looking for the next <i>question</i>.
They look to the future as a place they explore and create.
For them, the future is not set—it is only possible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Samuel the Simpleton was called Simple
not because he was stupid, but because he asked a lot of questions—a
characteristic the uninformed all too
commonly equate with ignorance, when, in fact, the opposite is the case. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">The Tourmaline of Foresight had the
foresight to know that a life full of answers is a life without choice, for a
person who supposes they know an answer always acts on that knowledge and
creates a future that mimics the answer they thought they had. Thus, they do
not act, but re-act to their own presumption of knowledge, or to the answer given them by
another, no matter how wise and all-knowing that other might be. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">A life full of questions, on the other
hand, leads to nothing <i>but</i> choice for
questions acknowledge multiple possibilities, and thus, multiple answers that
can, in turn, lead to more questions and more choices. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">It is for this reason that questions
are to be <i>encouraged</i>, not <i>dismissed</i>. For, if we run out of
questions, the future really will be
set in stone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">A life full of answers—the life of the
non-curioso—is a boring life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Just ask Nathaniel the Noteworthy who,
after only two years, took the Carbuncle of Self-Loathing and walked
into Fallowmere Lake, never to be heard from again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">(end note)</span><!--EndFragment-->
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-1013506324057651142013-04-30T18:45:00.000-06:002013-04-30T18:45:16.034-06:00Original Prologue for RETURN TO EXILESome of you might find this interesting. Below is the original prologue for <i>Return to Exile</i>. It's very different from what you'll find in the book. Between the first and second draft I rewrote everything but the opening paragraph. The story, world, monsters, and characters changed significantly between drafts, as you'll see.<br />
<br />
Enjoy.<br />
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<b><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Prologue<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></b><span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Phineas
T. Pimiscule was not what you’d call an “attractive” man. He wasn’t “desirable”
or “appealing”. He didn’t like “things” or do “stuff”” or “wash” himself. He
was not the kind of guy to “put” “quotation” “marks” around “words” or say
things in an unassuming or assuming way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";"> He <i>was</i>
the kind of guy who wore a monocle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">He was also very kind to little old
ladies who needed to cross streets, if they weren’t dead already, and passably
kind to poor, nearly drowned puppies he occasionally found in the stream on the
west side of his family’s ancient homestead, if they weren’t werewolves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">He also lived in a crypt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Some people might find living in a
crypt depressing. Phineas certainly did. But it was better than <i>dying</i> in a crypt. Now that’s something
to think about!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Phineas was, all in all, a curious
man--a curiously old man who didn’t look a day over forty, which is really not
all that old, if he was in fact forty, which he wasn’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">What was most curious about him, aside
from whom he was, and where he was from, and why he lived in a crypt—and all
the other things that were in fact far more curious—was the fact that at this
very moment in the prologue, he was running for his life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">I don’t know about you, but when
Phineas ran for his life—which he did far more frequently than you might
suspect—he ran with style. He picked only the darkest of graveyards, the
spookiest of houses, and the corniest of cornfields to flee in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">He also liked to carry old books with
him, or scrolls, or possibly maps that led to unknown and exotic places, like
The-Twelve-Levels-of-Hidden-Terrors, or Wyoming.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">He would occasionally drop said books
or maps, leading to countless misadventures for unsuspecting children with too
much time and not enough sense, many of whom were, it had to be admitted,
living in forgotten closets or under darkened stairs, and, in extreme cases,
living in both of these places simultaneously, without adult supervision, or
under limited supervision from a wicked step aunt or poor shoemaking single
father.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">That’s what makes this story different.
Our main character, who’s not, in fact, Phineas, didn’t live in a closet <i>or</i> under the stairs, as surprising as
that may be. His parents took their responsibilities seriously and were not
wicked in any way, making it unlikely that Sky, our main character, would be in
a place he shouldn’t be to find a dropped book or map that would inevitably
lead to misadventures. But even the best of families can have problems.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">But I get ahead of myself. Sky has a whole
book about him, while Phineas has but this pitiful prologue, so without further
injustice, let’s return to Phineas and enter, as it were, a more action-packed
sequence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Decaying cornstalks towered over
Phineas like a big tower towers over smaller <i>less big</i> towers. He paused briefly to get
his bearings, breathing in the dust as he gasped great lungfuls of air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Scattered stalks littered the ground,
crunching as Phineas shifted from one foot to the other, pondering his
predicament.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">The gibbous moon cast blue-black
shadows of stalks that looked like monstrous figures eating unspeakable living buffets
(this is what’s known as setting mood).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">A ROAR echoed across the cornfield, and
Phineas knew that the creature had finally picked up his scent. He’d scattered
a container of pumpkin pie spice to scare the beast off, but it wouldn’t hold
it for long. He didn’t have much time now. He’d fought monsters in the past—it
was sort of his <i>thing</i>—but this
monster was different. It seemed to be controlled by a greater intelligence, no
doubt by the evil mastermind behind the infernal plot that would only be
revealed in later chapters of this book. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">His only choice was to run. He had to
tell people. He had to <i>warn</i> them!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Adjusting his monocle, Phineas cut a
path through the corn in what he hoped was the direction of the highway. If
he could but make it, he could quite possibly get picked up by a passing motor-coach.
What he’d do then, he didn’t know, but he knew that these things tended to
unfold themselves in setups and payoffs, and he had no doubt that some
benevolent force would intervene on his behalf. He was, after all, a lovable
character and there were still so many mysteries surrounding him that needed
answered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Phineas popped out of the field
suddenly, tripping on a dangling vine and falling to the ground.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">With cut and bruised hands, he pushed
himself to his feet and cleaned his monocle with his dirtied shirt, which
seemed to make things worse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">He replaced the now blackened monocle
to his eye and stared up the highway at the rapidly approaching headlights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Stepping closer to the highway, he
began to wave his hands to alert the motor-coach to his presence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Just as the headlights were about to
fall upon him, a pumpkin clawed hand reached out of the woods and grabbed
Phineas by the neck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">As the vined pumpkin hand jerked him
back into the cornfield, Phineas had three parting thoughts. First, he was
surprised to find that he was <i>not</i> the
main character in this story, but only an introductory character who would set
voice, mood, etc, a conclusion that you, as the reader, had no doubt already
reached. Second, he felt a sense of relief that the burden and toils of being a
main character were not his to bear. Still, as a good supporting character, he
wished he could have warned someone by dropping a book or map or something. As
it was, all he’d dropped was his monocle, which, while not incredibly
informative, was helpful and would prove useful in subsequent chapters. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">As Phineas was dragged off, screaming,
into the cornfields and the awaiting terrors beyond, he comforted himself with
his third and final thought of the prologue: The Monster Hunters were still out
there somewhere. They would be able to help the boy—the main character—who had
so unsuspectingly driven past him in a beat up green station wagon with his
family only moments before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style";">Phineas thought about having a fourth
and final, final thought, but as it turned out, thinking of having the thought
was as far as he thunk because at that moment, he disappeared from our story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<br />
<br />EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-9561219499991578422013-03-07T15:58:00.001-07:002013-03-07T15:58:52.747-07:00SigningsI'm signing at the Deseret Book in West Jordan, UT tonight (Thursday, March 7, 2013) at 6. Tomorrow, I'm signing at the Deseret Book in American Fork at 6. These are going to be my only signings for a while, so drop in and say hi if you're in the area.EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-17654781830061521852013-02-19T13:27:00.001-07:002013-02-19T13:27:47.041-07:00The Legend Thief Launch Party - March 5th!<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">THE LEGEND THIEF showed up on my doorstep yesterday. Two weeks to launch! </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">The King's English bookstore in Salt Lake City, Utah, is throwing a party: 3/5/13 at 7:00PM.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">I'll be performing an interpretive dance based on the works of James Joyce. That basically means that I'll sla</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">m my head in the door a couple of times and stumble around until someone puts me out of my misery.<br /><br />Okay, no dance, but there will be refreshments. I'll read from THE LEGEND THIEF, answer questions, and sign books.<br /><br />The paperback for RETURN TO EXILE comes out the same day (i.e., Tuesday, March 5).<br /><br />The King's English will have my books on hand. This is an amazing bookstore filled with incredible people, and I believe they're even renting the art gallery next door for the party. They're putting a lot of work into this event--all of the work, in fact--so please support them by buying my books from them at the event.<br /><br />If you can't make it to the event, you can order signed/personalized copies of my books online or by phone directly from <a href="http://kingsenglish.indiebound.com/event/ej-patten-legend-thief-launch" target="_blank">The King's English</a>.<br /><br />I mentioned there would be refreshments, right?<br /><br />So come! I promise I won't dance or read anything by James Joyce.</span>EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-84202094265333511762013-02-04T09:27:00.001-07:002013-02-04T09:27:38.938-07:00The Eyes Have ItI've recently become a huge fan of sci-fi author Philip K. Dick (<i>Total Recall</i>, <i>Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep</i>, etc.). I found this seriously funny short story he wrote on Project Gutenberg and since it's public domain, I wanted to share.<div>
<div id="frontmatter" style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
<h1 style="font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; margin-top: 2em; text-align: center;">
The Eyes Have It</h1>
<div id="author" style="font-size: 20px; line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; padding: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: 0em;">
by PHILIP K. DICK</div>
</div>
<div id="story" style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
<div class="first_paragraph" style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 3em 0em 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
<span class="first_word" style="text-transform: uppercase;">IT WAS</span> quite by accident I discovered this incredible invasion of Earth by lifeforms from another planet. As yet, I haven’t done anything about it; I can’t think of anything to do. I wrote to the Government, and they sent back a pamphlet on the repair and maintenance of frame houses. Anyhow, the whole thing is known; I’m not the first to discover it. Maybe it’s even under control.</div>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
I was sitting in my easy-chair, idly turning the pages of a paperbacked book someone had left on the bus, when I came across the reference that first put me on the trail. For a moment I didn’t respond. It took some time for the full import to sink in. After I’d comprehended, it seemed odd I hadn’t noticed it right away.</div>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
The reference was clearly to a nonhuman species of incredible properties, not indigenous to Earth. A species, I hasten to point out, customarily masquerading as ordinary human beings. Their disguise, however, became transparent in the face of the following observations by the author. It was at once obvious the author knew everything. Knew everything — and was taking it in his stride. The line (and I tremble remembering it even now) read:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… his eyes slowly roved about the room.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
Vague chills assailed me. I tried to picture the eyes. Did they roll like dimes? The passage indicated not; they seemed to move through the air, not over the surface. Rather rapidly, apparently. No one in the story was surprised. That’s what tipped me off. No sign of amazement at such an outrageous thing. Later the matter was amplified.</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… his eyes moved from person to person.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
There it was in a nutshell. The eyes had clearly come apart from the rest of him and were on their own. My heart pounded and my breath choked in my windpipe. I had stumbled on an accidental mention <a class="pagenum" href="" id="page129" style="background-color: inherit; color: grey; font-size: 10px; left: 1%; position: absolute; right: 87%; text-align: left; text-indent: 0em;" title="129"> </a>of a totally unfamiliar race. Obviously non-Terrestrial. Yet, to the characters in the book, it was perfectly natural — which suggested they belonged to the same species.</div>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
And the author? A slow suspicion burned in my mind. The author was taking it rather <em>too easily</em> in his stride. Evidently, he felt this was quite a usual thing. He made absolutely no attempt to conceal this knowledge. The story continued:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… presently his eyes fastened on Julia.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
Julia, being a lady, had at least the breeding to feel indignant. She is described as blushing and knitting her brows angrily. At this, I sighed with relief. They weren’t <em>all</em> non-Terrestrials. The narrative continues:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… slowly, calmly, his eyes examined every inch of her.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
Great Scott! But here the girl turned and stomped off and the matter ended. I lay back in my chair gasping with horror. My wife and family regarded me in wonder.</div>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
“What’s wrong, dear?” my wife asked.</div>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
I couldn’t tell her. Knowledge like this was too much for the ordinary run-of-the-mill person. I had to keep it to myself. “Nothing,” I gasped. I leaped up, snatched the book, and hurried out of the room.</div>
<div class="post_thoughtbreak" style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 3em 0em 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
<span class="first_word" style="text-transform: uppercase;">IN THE</span> garage, I continued reading. There was more. Trembling, I read the next revealing passage:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… he put his arm around Julia. Presently she asked him if he would remove his arm. He immediately did so, with a smile.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
It’s not said what was done with the arm after the fellow had removed it. Maybe it was left standing upright in the corner. Maybe it was thrown away. I don’t care. In any case, the full meaning was there, staring me right in the face.</div>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
Here was a race of creatures capable of removing portions of their anatomy at will. Eyes, arms — and maybe more. Without batting an eyelash. My knowledge of biology came in handy, at this point. Obviously they were simple beings, uni-cellular, some sort of primitive single-celled things. Beings no more developed than starfish. Starfish can do the same thing, you know.</div>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
I read on. And came to this incredible revelation, tossed off coolly by the author without the faintest tremor:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… outside the movie theater we split up. Part of us went inside, part over to the cafe for dinner.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
Binary fission, obviously. Splitting in half and forming two entities. <a class="pagenum" href="" id="page130" style="background-color: inherit; color: grey; font-size: 10px; left: 1%; position: absolute; right: 87%; text-align: left; text-indent: 0em;" title="130"> </a>Probably each lower half went to the cafe, it being farther, and the upper halves to the movies. I read on, hands shaking. I had really stumbled onto something here. My mind reeled as I made out this passage:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… I’m afraid there’s no doubt about it. Poor Bibney has lost his head again.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
Which was followed by:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… and Bob says he has utterly no guts.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
Yet Bibney got around as well as the next person. The next person, however, was just as strange. He was soon described as:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… totally lacking in brains.</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="post_thoughtbreak" style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 3em 0em 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
<span class="first_word" style="text-transform: uppercase;">THERE</span> was no doubt of the thing in the next passage. Julia, whom I had thought to be the one normal person, reveals herself as also being an alien life form, similar to the rest:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… quite deliberately, Julia had given her heart to the young man.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
It didn’t relate what the final disposition of the organ was, but I didn’t really care. It was evident Julia had gone right on living in her usual manner, like all the others in the book. Without heart, arms, eyes, brains, viscera, dividing up in two when the occasion demanded. Without a qualm.</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… thereupon she gave him her hand.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
I sickened. The rascal now had her hand, as well as her heart. I shudder to think what he’s done with them, by this time.</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… he took her arm.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
Not content to wait, he had to start dismantling her on his own. Flushing crimson, I slammed the book shut and leaped to my feet. But not in time to escape one last reference to those carefree bits of anatomy whose travels had originally thrown me on the track:</div>
<blockquote class="quotation" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0.5em 4em;">
<div style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0em;">
… her eyes followed him all the way down the road and across the meadow.</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
I rushed from the garage and back inside the warm house, as if the accursed things were following me. My wife and children were playing Monopoly in the kitchen. I joined them and played with frantic fervor, brow feverish, teeth chattering.</div>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
I had had enough of the thing. I want to hear no more about it. Let them come on. Let them invade Earth. I don’t want to get mixed up in it.</div>
<div style="line-height: 1.3; margin: 0em; text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;">
I have absolutely no stomach for it.</div>
</div>
</div>
EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-77119639078820712652013-01-07T14:09:00.000-07:002013-01-07T14:09:32.181-07:00Laziest Post EverI know it's been a while.<br />
<br />
I'd like to say I have excuses. I'd like to say they're legitimate. I'd like to say that this next post will make up for my extended absence from the blogosphere. I'd like to say all these things, but you read the post title; I'm not going to lie to you. This post is lazy. In fact, it's just a link to a post I did on another blog.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://operationawesome6.blogspot.com/2013/01/believable-monsters-ej-patten.html?spref=tw" target="_blank">So click here and read this guest post I did at Operation Awesome.</a><br />
<br />
The title of the post is:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: #c6c23d; color: #222222; font-family: 'times new roman', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Cthulhu Ate My Mother, Or the Rise and Fall of Human-Flavored Nougat.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: #c6c23d; color: #222222; font-family: 'times new roman', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: #c6c23d; color: #222222; font-family: 'times new roman', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic;">
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Warning:</span> This post has nothing to do with eating, Cthulhu, mothers, nougat, or things rising and falling.</div>
<div style="background-color: #c6c23d; color: #222222; font-family: 'times new roman', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic;">
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Second Warning: </span>No Hobbits were harmed in the writing of this post...but, no worries, I will get around to it soon.</div>
<div style="background-color: #c6c23d; color: #222222; font-family: 'times new roman', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic;">
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Warning: </span>Now that I think about it, Cthulhu is mentioned once in passing, or four times in passing if you count the number of mentions in this title. But honestly, if you have enough time to sit around and count Cthulhu references (that's five), you should really just move on to the post or, even better, find something good to read. I hear Justin Bieber has a new book out. Over four and a half stars on Amazon. That's not bad.</div>
<br />
<br />
Yes, I just copied and pasted the title. I told you this post was lazy.EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-88135618937572291232012-08-11T23:31:00.000-06:002012-08-11T23:32:15.971-06:00Bumper StuckI'd like to talk about something that's been bothering me for a long time now: The decline of bumper stickers in America. It used to be that I could understand someone's opinion based on a well-placed decal without going through all the hassle of talking to that person.<br />
<br />
If I wanted to know where someone stood on the next presidential election, boom, it was right there in front of me, idling below the gun rack of a pick up truck. If I wanted to know whose kids were smarter than mine, slam, the parents in the beamer ahead of me had kids who were honor students. And if I wanted to know if there was a baby on board, smash, a sign warned me so that I could protect that minivan from my normally careless driving.<br />
<br />
Bumper stickers were perhaps the greatest thing the Greeks ever invented, followed by togas, and the letter Omicron. I still remember Plato's hugely successful sticker "Soma Sema" (The Body is a Tomb), which survived on war chariots well into Roman times.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif0SqpRkgdYOOtl89YNFpmZlcUMqvNA3yHyHpbY1dTgJ0rg45uil3VlgLNStdbMFFwWBs8n0di9sw6MuD4wYEE5C_bmYitH3LmRvPGoWmPXyvIry-CZG9CbTJYIcTiPiosyvua5U946NU/s1600/Coexist.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="58" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif0SqpRkgdYOOtl89YNFpmZlcUMqvNA3yHyHpbY1dTgJ0rg45uil3VlgLNStdbMFFwWBs8n0di9sw6MuD4wYEE5C_bmYitH3LmRvPGoWmPXyvIry-CZG9CbTJYIcTiPiosyvua5U946NU/s200/Coexist.jpeg" width="200" /></a>Bumper stickers take all the messy guess work out of life. I can't tell you how many times I've been born again after staring at a fish for hours on end in rush hour traffic, or how I learned to coexist<br />
<br />
from the guy who cut me off as I was trying to merge.<br />
<br />
I think I've said enough on this topic. Until next time: Insert Opinion Here.<br />
<br />
<br />EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-74127129370307394612012-07-27T13:56:00.000-06:002012-07-27T13:56:04.330-06:00Workshop SlidesI promised that I'd post the slides from the Utah Valley Writers Workshop today, so here they are:<br />
<a href="https://www.sugarsync.com/pf/D610575_3_8314577525" style="background-color: white;" target="_blank">Presentation: Concept to Outline</a><br />
<br />
A big thanks to Canda and everyone else involved!EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-7495706207130755782012-07-25T12:39:00.000-06:002012-07-31T17:14:32.080-06:00Utah Valley Writers Workshop<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqxpftmLIvp187cztqrRk2LBoOPFn2Piw9AOtrOFwSohAtDMR0paPbPb3GrTqzRbOEPoyQAyzYgdKUtsr0-xzmx3OYCqwfx0cEIEGDJMr6ZGCDAdOcD724VfPd8Nd17BCoePY-EjpIHak/s1600/Utah+Valley.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqxpftmLIvp187cztqrRk2LBoOPFn2Piw9AOtrOFwSohAtDMR0paPbPb3GrTqzRbOEPoyQAyzYgdKUtsr0-xzmx3OYCqwfx0cEIEGDJMr6ZGCDAdOcD724VfPd8Nd17BCoePY-EjpIHak/s400/Utah+Valley.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Utah Valley, taken from the foothill behind my house</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The Utah Valley Writers Workshop is this weekend (7/27/12 and 7/28/12) and I'm doing the Friday keynote presentation (3 hours long!). The event is co-sponsored by iWriteNetwork and the Alpine School District and you can register through the <a href="https://www.xpressbillpay.com/portal/payment_forms/index.php?id=MjA2OA%3D%3D" target="_blank">Alpine School District professional development site</a>. Use the drop down and select "Language Arts - Utah Valley Writers Workshop - July 27 AND 28th." It's about halfway down the page and there's a one day option beneath it. The workshop description was written for teachers, but the workshop is open to everyone, so don't let the description scare you away if you're not a teacher. The workshop is focused on writing, not teaching writing. When registering, it will ask for your school. If you're not a teacher, simply put a space in that box.<br />
<br />
My workshop will focus on story development, from concept, to character-driven plotting, to structure. It will be part presentation, part go-and-do, and part me harassing as many people as I can without getting arrested. If you've seen me present before, bits of this will be familiar, but most of it will be new. This is a deeper dive than I've done before into how I develop a story and the tools I use.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<b>COST</b>: $50 (this includes lunch)<br />
There's an optional <span style="background-color: white;">SUU Credit you can get for $15 (see below)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>CREDIT</b>: 1 sem. hr. state recertification/lane change</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">OR</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">1 sem. hr. SUU credit available at the completion of the class for an additional $15 (optional)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">I got the schedule a while ago, and it may have been updated since, but here's what I have:</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>Preliminary Schedule<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>Friday: Keynote and Breakouts<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;">8:00 Pick up workshop materials</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8:30 Eric Patten: Character-driven Plotting, room
315 & 316</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
11:30 Lunch</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
12:00 Tristi Pinkston: Genre & Audience, room 315</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cindy Hogan: Indie Publishing Part 1, room 316</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Karen Hoover: Poetry, room 317</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ali Cross: Beginning Blogging, room 310</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1:20 Break</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1:30 Jennie Hansen: Scene Structure, room 315</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Karen Hoover: Outlining, room 316</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ali Cross, Advanced Blogging, room 310</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jordan McCollum: HTML, room 311</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7217000342459556638" name="_GoBack"></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2:50 Break</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3:00 Brainstorming Panel</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4:15 Day 1 Concludes</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>Saturday Sessions</u></b><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8:30 Lisa Mangum: Characters</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
10:30 Break</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
10:45 Caleb Warnock: Narrative Voice</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
12:15 Lunch</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
12:45 Lisa Mangum: Your First Chapter</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2:00 Break</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2:15 Carolyn Campbell: Writing for Magazines, room
315</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cindy Hogan; Indie Publishing Part 2, room 316</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Canda Mortensen; Presenting, room 317</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jamie Theler, Twitter, room 311</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3:15 Workshop
Concludes</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You must pre-register and class size is limited, so hurry up! I hope to see you there!</div>EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-84926581202063658242012-07-11T16:40:00.001-06:002012-07-14T13:36:09.417-06:00And the winner is...The Legend Thief ARCs have arrived! The winner of the Billion Dollar (Not Really) Giveaway is...<br />
<br />
J Travis Washburn!<br />
<br />
Sorry to everyone else. I weighted all the entries and used a random number generator to pick the winner. I wish I could give everyone an ARC, but I didn't get that many (8 total, and some of those may go to my agent). I might do another giveaway in the coming months, so check back! And congratulations to Travis!EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-28583017863949102712012-06-16T10:53:00.000-06:002012-06-16T10:53:36.805-06:00Return to Exile Book Group Discussion GuideSeveral people have asked me to put together a <i>Return to Exile</i> Book Group Discussion Guide and I've finally done it. I made two separate documents. One has just the questions. The other has both the questions and some answers/discussion prompts. Click on the links to download their respective guides.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.sugarsync.com/pf/D610575_3_8249032483" target="_blank">Return to Exile Book Group Discussion Questions</a><br />
<a href="https://www.sugarsync.com/pf/D610575_3_8249032304" target="_blank">Return to Exile Book Group Discussion Answers</a><br />
<br />
<i>The Legend Thief</i> ARC giveaway is still ongoing, so visit the "<a href="http://www.ejpatten.com/2012/04/billion-dollar-giveaway-not-really.html" target="_blank">Billion Dollar Giveaway</a>" post to enter. I should receive the ARC at the end of June, at which point the giveaway will end, so hurry up! It's awesome!EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-8075054760125675382012-05-09T16:00:00.002-06:002012-05-09T16:00:26.691-06:00Pretty PicturesOn Sunday, I returned from a ten day writing retreat in the mountains of Southern Utah. I spent five of those days with four other authors, two days alone, and three days with my wife and kids. Just so you don't feel left out, I took some pictures.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTEwR3rcDLEaLbXw8PcHi0rDNm1UgsqsADASjmx-ayAaoMwZI8hVeRH-m7PAzi0JkJiFWyrp2OtmgxeSXvNBMVxu1qqi8bW5Deko0CHjTFPrcTzMSopvs1Nrt-Hl_9OlRObCHR7srtpAc/s1600/100_3195.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTEwR3rcDLEaLbXw8PcHi0rDNm1UgsqsADASjmx-ayAaoMwZI8hVeRH-m7PAzi0JkJiFWyrp2OtmgxeSXvNBMVxu1qqi8bW5Deko0CHjTFPrcTzMSopvs1Nrt-Hl_9OlRObCHR7srtpAc/s320/100_3195.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Views along the canyon leading to Lower Calf Creek Falls.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz-Aq7LPxz1i1ukUAH2J8hCmZ4i92eQmQdDWym3_kg4t62EIZS9tPRMjsnZEX4RwGEAOiLJZEr9TyBY4d-QK1cs5qqf7KAH74DV67Zpp5V-UNvJrkpGLW19oIikm3a9O0N2OYfC4IoDOc/s1600/100_3197.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz-Aq7LPxz1i1ukUAH2J8hCmZ4i92eQmQdDWym3_kg4t62EIZS9tPRMjsnZEX4RwGEAOiLJZEr9TyBY4d-QK1cs5qqf7KAH74DV67Zpp5V-UNvJrkpGLW19oIikm3a9O0N2OYfC4IoDOc/s320/100_3197.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">More canyon views.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo2aOQjvyBAgLbXkW9r6k4wo_ueDYZ3jOrXlQNlIT9KL8bLHdH7pzBVLBjhPHw-733dbs3aVwaxvXtVYaEoRu6VHsADIZs0ODAAcgE4el3bbqqki5CE_ngiyl0j21AwBfVTQk_8dZ__l8/s1600/100_3199.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo2aOQjvyBAgLbXkW9r6k4wo_ueDYZ3jOrXlQNlIT9KL8bLHdH7pzBVLBjhPHw-733dbs3aVwaxvXtVYaEoRu6VHsADIZs0ODAAcgE4el3bbqqki5CE_ngiyl0j21AwBfVTQk_8dZ__l8/s320/100_3199.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">More canyon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY9iZo7UQdx3vAx80dSKgJLdYpDavAuvKhadHd2RWl5d6KVbAapt8p4AaZQNDO1Z5U_aSemlYDpgl-3P_iXssVQR7Sj0AcW9pdgZz0eaWLbrs8DyfQTH1Zzszcly55oQmEBPK40UwuRlg/s1600/100_3202.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY9iZo7UQdx3vAx80dSKgJLdYpDavAuvKhadHd2RWl5d6KVbAapt8p4AaZQNDO1Z5U_aSemlYDpgl-3P_iXssVQR7Sj0AcW9pdgZz0eaWLbrs8DyfQTH1Zzszcly55oQmEBPK40UwuRlg/s320/100_3202.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My family approaching Lower Calf Creek Falls. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV7HTQ07hWTqhOcTBACpIhgvFEgtv07XaFJFjUk3kc86CsUvStTXoFoPiafqxjPu6VN_9cWM4xIv3J4QZG0JsAOomQeZHUVRcDiVc-hq70WgFn2X1PFv8XlzVySVTWWZAJXonkFOzOFQ0/s1600/100_3203.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV7HTQ07hWTqhOcTBACpIhgvFEgtv07XaFJFjUk3kc86CsUvStTXoFoPiafqxjPu6VN_9cWM4xIv3J4QZG0JsAOomQeZHUVRcDiVc-hq70WgFn2X1PFv8XlzVySVTWWZAJXonkFOzOFQ0/s320/100_3203.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The picture doesn't do it justice. The falls are 155' tall and the cliffs lean out over the top of you. The water is freezing, but in the hot summer months, it's the perfect end to a three mile hike (six miles round trip).</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEneJFObdOLQLoQGEf3G-rT4doN5bb99LYVbljSH_DXk5YJ0vGCHTYfiLu-TccHIXs9ifVAzw3b4rbtu9np4M3LAgH6yqB9lX8s5aLX-VWRMorhtfT2eWEsZJXYcrzkYxAA7X1OP_-IBE/s1600/IMG_0407.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEneJFObdOLQLoQGEf3G-rT4doN5bb99LYVbljSH_DXk5YJ0vGCHTYfiLu-TccHIXs9ifVAzw3b4rbtu9np4M3LAgH6yqB9lX8s5aLX-VWRMorhtfT2eWEsZJXYcrzkYxAA7X1OP_-IBE/s320/IMG_0407.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Burr Trail. My grandfather gave the state much of the gravel for the Burr Trail. In exchange, the state built a small lake on his property and he stocked it with fish.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPIbPou5Toh_02mtfd2-wD6pcSBaObqhNTYIp0jO3f1H5oIgbLK77UJ3dSox_srpt8To-WTZrhacXBCsfJxkCqNPHv6O1gqLE7xzFTnmvSOf8qHEdv-p8LjnEvxxxi_QobRC4f6QPKP1g/s1600/IMG_0409.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPIbPou5Toh_02mtfd2-wD6pcSBaObqhNTYIp0jO3f1H5oIgbLK77UJ3dSox_srpt8To-WTZrhacXBCsfJxkCqNPHv6O1gqLE7xzFTnmvSOf8qHEdv-p8LjnEvxxxi_QobRC4f6QPKP1g/s320/IMG_0409.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Driving along the Burr Trail.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVKwUewuxMvfLHecvZgvNGlHQiJwmVPaYa8_f7N6-y2o95hOg4rxKhmrzEmtMEkQKmuPPmf7e3rLogef3lvxMhq2RRpB-JpDbVbSRYA8o1Cg_THC17BFyu5L6ihHJucBxIloxG7ViauNA/s1600/IMG_0413.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVKwUewuxMvfLHecvZgvNGlHQiJwmVPaYa8_f7N6-y2o95hOg4rxKhmrzEmtMEkQKmuPPmf7e3rLogef3lvxMhq2RRpB-JpDbVbSRYA8o1Cg_THC17BFyu5L6ihHJucBxIloxG7ViauNA/s320/IMG_0413.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">More Burr Trail views.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv5MjC5u9zjW4Cclw3CfQ90UDByGpjX18XtEoN_yEsK8sDr_LMAmLnSdyjXJdx0u4SGcIkJc4yePThFOnmyNzACf5KX3yrpFMutv1eKLMINC_X2FYN_1cPCKZvCRwY73U-nWdyIccZj_c/s1600/IMG_0423.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv5MjC5u9zjW4Cclw3CfQ90UDByGpjX18XtEoN_yEsK8sDr_LMAmLnSdyjXJdx0u4SGcIkJc4yePThFOnmyNzACf5KX3yrpFMutv1eKLMINC_X2FYN_1cPCKZvCRwY73U-nWdyIccZj_c/s320/IMG_0423.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This tonic was in the cupboard of my uncle's ranch house where I stayed. I've visited the house at various times over the last thirty years, and this bottle has been in the cupboard for as long as I can remember. I expect that someday, it will come to life and ravage the town. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There you go. I hope you feel included. If you haven't been to southern Utah, you are missing out. The drive over Boulder Mountain is quite possibly the most beautiful drive on the planet as you look out over Lower Bowns Reservoir and the red cliffs of Capitol Reef National Park.<br />
<br />
In other news, the blog tour is still going on. Check out the calender for more information. There are still plenty of giveaways and interviews coming up. I'll end the giveaway for The Legend Thief ARC when the ARC arrives, so enter if you haven't already because I have no idea when that will be.EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-29903524290028797532012-04-21T10:10:00.002-06:002012-04-21T10:10:16.745-06:00Billion Dollar Giveaway! (Not Really)<br />
To celebrate my official stop on the blog tour, I’m giving everyone that follows this blog, buys Return to Exile, and leaves a comment on this post one billion dollars! Take that Oprah! Actually, don’t take that, Oprah: you’ve got enough money. Instead, can I borrow a few billion dollars? I swear I’m good for it! No? (sigh)<br />
<br />
Well, sorry everyone. I’m going to have to rescind that billion-dollar offer. I tried. Don’t blame me; blame Oprah.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
How about if I giveaway an advanced reader copy (ARC) of <i>The Legend Thief</i>, instead?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8t2Ub_uzW76_QBFGh_LLDYNSkkhV5jHsRXmzYMcirT-Ftu8Ln3jXFzMduKDNMi4rNuPZVQvYfAXqa8SVOnkGVZ6lODgF1csPqvalqgkAOYBNXce3CgZ4xSr4bRGmK9keXCNNTEybkbzM/s1600/TheLegendThief_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8t2Ub_uzW76_QBFGh_LLDYNSkkhV5jHsRXmzYMcirT-Ftu8Ln3jXFzMduKDNMi4rNuPZVQvYfAXqa8SVOnkGVZ6lODgF1csPqvalqgkAOYBNXce3CgZ4xSr4bRGmK9keXCNNTEybkbzM/s400/TheLegendThief_1.jpg" width="263" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A note: I don't have an ARC yet, it may be a few months before I get one, and there's a small chance I may not get one at all. I only got three copies of the <i>Return to Exile</i> ARC. But, if I get one, I will sign it and give it to the winner. If I don't get one, I'll find something else to give you, but I am 99% sure I will have a copy of the ARC to giveaway.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
ARCs are rare and signed ARCs are even rarer. I signed maybe five ARCs of <i>Return to Exile</i>.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>The Legend Thief</i>, which doesn't come out until December, is full of awesomeness: hundreds of hunters hunt Sky through the flooded crypts and crags of the north cemetery (aka "The Sleeping Lands") trying to kill him. On top of that, he has to evade the Darkhorn, solve a four-hundred-year-old murder, and stop Bedlam (the Arkhon's brother) from burning Exile to the ground. I finished the copyedit two days ago. It is awesome, awesome, awesome. Seriously. I'm amazed I wrote it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
To enter, leave a comment below (1 entry). You can get extra entries by mentioning:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1. That you bought <i>Return to Exile </i>(3 extra entries)</div>
<div>
2. Followed this blog (1)</div>
<div>
3. Liked this blog and the Facebook page (1 each)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Good luck!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-58363525950519838762012-04-18T10:13:00.000-06:002012-04-18T10:14:51.123-06:00Blog Tour UpdateHi everyone! Just a quick update. If you've been following the <i>Return to Exile</i> blog tour, you've no doubt noticed that the calendar keeps shifting. S&S had some sort of warehouse mix up, so many of the blogs still haven't received their review copies. S&S has fixed the problem and they are sending out the review copies now. They should arrive early next week. Stay with us! We're adjusting the schedule to accommodate the very patient, kind, forgiving, attractive, and insert-good-please-don't-hate-us-descriptor-here bloggers participating in the tour, so keep checking the calendar! Things should settle down next week. Until then, make sure to visit the previous tour stops, many of which are featuring interviews, reviews, and book/bracelet giveaways.<br />
<br />
Also, to help you cope, I've included this elevator music for your listening pleasure. Enjoy!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/Nf8FCLT8S6A?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-24069324714131120812012-04-05T09:49:00.001-06:002012-04-05T09:49:55.878-06:00The Legend Thief (A Summary)The blog tour is in full swing. A big thanks to <a href="http://davidjohnbutler.com/" target="_blank">Dave Butler Writes</a> for kicking things off yesterday! If you want the gory details about the possibility of a <i>Return to Exile</i> movie, visit his site.<br />
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Today's stop is <a href="http://www.booksatruestory.com/" target="_blank">Books: A True Story</a>. Make sure to stop by for a chance to win a Mother-Daughter Hunter's Bracelet! I also talk about some of the books that inspired me and some of the history behind <i>Return to Exile</i>.<br />
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We have a different tour stop nearly every day, and sometimes more than one, so make sure to check the <a href="http://returntoexileblogtour.blogspot.com/p/tour-calendar.html" target="_blank">calendar</a>!<br />
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Yesterday, I finally got around to writing a summary for <i>The Hunter Chronicles, Book 2: The Legend Thief</i>. I sent it to my agent and editor last night to get their thoughts. This likely isn't the final summary that will appear on the book flap, but I thought I would give you a taste of what's to come in <i>The Legend Thief</i>, which comes out December 4th of this year.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8t2Ub_uzW76_QBFGh_LLDYNSkkhV5jHsRXmzYMcirT-Ftu8Ln3jXFzMduKDNMi4rNuPZVQvYfAXqa8SVOnkGVZ6lODgF1csPqvalqgkAOYBNXce3CgZ4xSr4bRGmK9keXCNNTEybkbzM/s1600/TheLegendThief_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8t2Ub_uzW76_QBFGh_LLDYNSkkhV5jHsRXmzYMcirT-Ftu8Ln3jXFzMduKDNMi4rNuPZVQvYfAXqa8SVOnkGVZ6lODgF1csPqvalqgkAOYBNXce3CgZ4xSr4bRGmK9keXCNNTEybkbzM/s400/TheLegendThief_1.jpg" width="262" /></a></div>
THE LEGEND THIEF SUMMARY (ROUGH)<br />
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A MODERN FANTASY ADVENTURE. </div>
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A WORLD HIDDEN WITHIN OUR OWN.</div>
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<i>Scarcely a year has passed since Sky Weathers survived the
first snare and, even more surprisingly, sixth grade. But a new trap is on the
horizon and escaping it will take every ounce of cleverness he can muster.
Bedlam, brother of the Arkhon, son of Legend, and father of the Edgewalkers,
has sworn to kill every last hunter and he’s bringing a horrifying army to
Exile. </i></div>
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<i>And he’s not the only one.</i></div>
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<i>Hundreds of foreign hunters, led by the mysterious Hunters
of Legend—Sky’s one-time heroes—have come to Exile to kill Sky, fearing what he
could become. With enemies on all sides and only each other to rely on, Sky and
his friends—Crystal, Andrew, Hands, and T-Bone—must fight for their lives and solve
a four-hundred-year-old riddle, or watch Exile and everyone they’ve ever loved perish in the battle of the Legend Thief.</i></div>
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I think it needs a little more punch, especially at the end, but that's the story in a nutshell. What do you think?</div>EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-4783314258151272932012-03-22T13:19:00.001-06:002012-03-22T13:19:34.033-06:00Blog Tour Giveaways<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Maybe once a century, a blog tour comes along that's so unbelievably epic, so grandiose in scale and size, that it cannot be contained on a single Internet. This is not that blog tour, but it's still pretty cool. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />Nearly thirty amazing blogs have signed up to host the tour, which runs from April 4-18. Some of the blogs will interview me, others will review the book, and still others will host giveaways, so stop by each blog during the tour to find unique info and swag!<br /><br />As part of the tour, a few of the blogs (tbd) will be giving away a "Mother-Daughter Hunter's Bracelet" (see below).</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc44SGvhulntalLh9avkukLE1kkDkC-BmcX_oEGe-IoD_8zZWko-cCw-0ItByrc_ILkDv3pJsixX6F0XrAHqyRQR1-HR455LFfRmS3oEVeSZQLcXd7iPhbrRPvoS70SygiqxZ_hrlwoeQ/s1600/Use3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc44SGvhulntalLh9avkukLE1kkDkC-BmcX_oEGe-IoD_8zZWko-cCw-0ItByrc_ILkDv3pJsixX6F0XrAHqyRQR1-HR455LFfRmS3oEVeSZQLcXd7iPhbrRPvoS70SygiqxZ_hrlwoeQ/s400/Use3.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bracelets when separate</td></tr>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq6TU_hnhlbtmBXgwA-OlbJd76pBi1ZUSrGuOUQ0RoxAf-Sw_cpX4mfrjR61ZTt9y_IZiein59xiRUufUjGRwBDF75ycqpS8o0gFdSaOpc2eta6IIktc_FeFLghKnaB89TT2XVQwFgLAE/s1600/Use1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq6TU_hnhlbtmBXgwA-OlbJd76pBi1ZUSrGuOUQ0RoxAf-Sw_cpX4mfrjR61ZTt9y_IZiein59xiRUufUjGRwBDF75ycqpS8o0gFdSaOpc2eta6IIktc_FeFLghKnaB89TT2XVQwFgLAE/s400/Use1.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Bracelets when linked</td></tr>
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In <i>Return to Exile</i>, Crystal—the leader of the monster hunters—wears a bracelet that resembles a strand of DNA. The bracelet is a twin to one worn by her mother, who disappeared years earlier. While striving to stay alive within the terrible creature known as the Jack, Crystal recovers her mother's bracelet and links the two strands together into a single band—a memento of the mother she lost.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVrE5aFy94ODhse7iAmXty1uCtHR_Uw2kKhqHi7OLMHq0OGY0mKgCXucQz0swrMZnnR9rpgv-7xaQf5E2PllXoBGk3OwPPH_nCjThO7t-jOLtlotp1lJLGlpG-frb46a9qKfyjpjnEWXg/s1600/Use2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVrE5aFy94ODhse7iAmXty1uCtHR_Uw2kKhqHi7OLMHq0OGY0mKgCXucQz0swrMZnnR9rpgv-7xaQf5E2PllXoBGk3OwPPH_nCjThO7t-jOLtlotp1lJLGlpG-frb46a9qKfyjpjnEWXg/s400/Use2.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Single bracelet worn by my wife</td></tr>
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The Mother-Daughter Hunter’s Bracelet, handmade by my own mother, is made up of two strands—one for mother, one for daughter—that can be worn separately, or combined into a single bracelet, a symbol of the connection and love they will forever share. Each pair will come with a signed and numbered card that tells the story of the bracelet (what you just read), and each will be unique. I came up with the bracelet concept for <i>Return to Exile</i>, and my mom, my brother, and I worked together to come up with this design. We donated the first of these to the Writing for Charity auction last week, and it seemed to be a big hit. There's nothing like it anywhere, and I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out. Seriously, the photos don't do it justice.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicO9R_qNDNF5IFs0BfvV15FMc4Q3HDUdpZOp3u8RGBSBfgNhNmyK076GneRhF2MPhHdcQBiN1Sblc_0rPllomFJFw7RLTH0cpVdSfVf0W1bYyxPnUJYez6hAFZD4ogYT3itGyXWSCAeLo/s1600/Use4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicO9R_qNDNF5IFs0BfvV15FMc4Q3HDUdpZOp3u8RGBSBfgNhNmyK076GneRhF2MPhHdcQBiN1Sblc_0rPllomFJFw7RLTH0cpVdSfVf0W1bYyxPnUJYez6hAFZD4ogYT3itGyXWSCAeLo/s400/Use4.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Unlinked bracelets worn by my wife and daughter</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So most guys will think this is pretty cheesy. Don't worry, I'm working on cool "guy" giveaways to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">If you haven't signed up to host the blog tour, and you're interested in discussing <i>Return to Exile</i> on your blog, it's not too late. Use the <a href="http://returntoexileblogtour.blogspot.com/p/host-tour-stop.html" target="_blank">form on the blog tour site</a> to sign up. At this point, the deadline has passed to get a free review copy of <i>Return to Exile</i>, but if you already have a copy, and/or you just want to join in, please sign up! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">If you can't join in the blog tour, but you'd like to do something in the future, contact my assistant Diana Ault: dianalault@gmail.com.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor (sorry, it's </span><i style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The Hunger Games</i><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> movie release week and I'm contractually obligated to say this (not really, but if I don't, Katniss will hunt me down, and then I'd have to sick Sky and Phineas on her, and everything would get entirely too messy)).</span>EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-17113533241354351632012-03-10T09:25:00.002-07:002012-03-10T09:26:16.976-07:00Events This Week<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGmfnheUAfzQxRC-vKN3kEXrnFyVXjOwtXFOxwADNiPsO618x-67jXJx-r76zvEhIU2hLREIBciqoyWdqGl3DF4hSAEN5HrLh0o0LrcQQ430QwXlzgndKKphY6tvipqjCr24HVDPACow4/s1600/ReturnToExilejkt_final.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGmfnheUAfzQxRC-vKN3kEXrnFyVXjOwtXFOxwADNiPsO618x-67jXJx-r76zvEhIU2hLREIBciqoyWdqGl3DF4hSAEN5HrLh0o0LrcQQ430QwXlzgndKKphY6tvipqjCr24HVDPACow4/s400/ReturnToExilejkt_final.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">1. I'm signing at Hastings in Ogden, Utah, today (Saturday, March 10) from 1:00-3:00 PM. Stop by and say hi if you're in the area!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">2. </span><a href="http://brandonmull.com/site/tour" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank">Brandon Mull</a><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> is hosting a mega-launch party for </span><i style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Beyonders: Seeds of Rebellion</i><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. These parties are awesome. It's a full on comedy show written by Brandon, and hosted by Shannon Hale. Thousands of fans show up to the event, so check it out! Here's the info:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8fCpQX38MEswxhTj3wKJ0LUitnknGAYjkftM_SUr2OlWw6SbOesilzVMxWrLUv2xymvxPrwBT8yyYYTzfPJcDxzoG6PhQrnqpt3tsYbxnwb35bGf32saz20m0pDIKywEmeK7DO-a1qao/s1600/beyonders2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8fCpQX38MEswxhTj3wKJ0LUitnknGAYjkftM_SUr2OlWw6SbOesilzVMxWrLUv2xymvxPrwBT8yyYYTzfPJcDxzoG6PhQrnqpt3tsYbxnwb35bGf32saz20m0pDIKywEmeK7DO-a1qao/s200/beyonders2.jpg" width="131" /></a><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">TUESDAY, MARCH 13<br />Beyonders: Seeds of Rebellion Launch Party<br />Doors Open: 6:30 PM<br />Show Begins: 7:00 PM<br />Cottonwood High School<br />5715 South 1300 East<br />Murray, UT 84121<br />Featuring Brandon Mull, Shannon Hale, D.C. Comedy and super special surprise guests!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I don't want to ruin it, but one of the super special surprise guests is...Santa Claus. Yes, Santa Claus. He's bringing presents for everyone. *Disclaimer: it's NOT Santa Claus and the only present you'll get is a signature, a funny show, and a warm sense of satisfaction. So come!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">3. <a href="http://writingforcharity.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Writing for Charity</a> is happening this week, and a number of amazing authors will be there. I will also be there. Here's the description:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo3w4A3bcUsAGZllZ0s4EhhYtDmok_D0-NrqjdtZBFEUQPu7ub7gw-6SHthqfMaW6qytD-xmHA0bvdAewcg3ARiuTe45tOGzu-8vWRn8-yGO0NaK8fSquiFnMlJ4-xyitsausWTU4vg3A/s1600/WFC900B.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="144" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo3w4A3bcUsAGZllZ0s4EhhYtDmok_D0-NrqjdtZBFEUQPu7ub7gw-6SHthqfMaW6qytD-xmHA0bvdAewcg3ARiuTe45tOGzu-8vWRn8-yGO0NaK8fSquiFnMlJ4-xyitsausWTU4vg3A/s640/WFC900B.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">In 2008, author Shannon Hale held a professional writing conference at the Salt Lake City Library in hopes of raising money for those in need. She invited other local authors to come and lend their support. The event was a success, and WRITING FOR CHARITY was born!</span><br style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">On March 17</span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">, 2012, the ROCK CANYON writers of Utah and the CHILDREN'S LITERATURE ASSOCIATION OF UTAH are hosting the fourth annual WRITING FOR CHARITY event at the Historic Provo Library. Yes, it's on St. Patrick's Day, and we hope you'll consider yourself lucky to attend!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This event includes workshops, critique sessions from published authors, and lunch. It's a great event for a great cause. I hope to see you there!</span></span></div>EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-72224324724630411812012-03-06T16:02:00.005-07:002012-03-31T17:09:47.880-06:00Return to Exile, A Personal NoteI have birthed a book. I delivered the final draft (#4) of <i>The Legend Thief</i> at 2:00 AM this morning. At 7:00 AM, my editor reviewed the changes, declared it even better than <i>Return to Exile,</i> and said it was ready for copyediting. It is finished! (mostly)<br />
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Now, I'm turning my attention to other projects and gearing up for the "relaunch" of <i>Return to Exile</i>. We're calling it a relaunch because my first launch, in September, was sort of pathetic. I don't usually talk about my personal life much, and so the reasons for this patheticness might not be readily apparent. In a post last March, I briefly mentioned that I was recovering from a neck surgery. That's all I've really said about something that has dominated my life for the last two years.<br />
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For nearly a year leading up to the surgery<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt;">—</span>starting within a month of selling my series to S&S<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt;">—</span>I suffered from neck/shoulder/arm pain. It got to the point where my entire right arm went numb and I spent more than half my day in bed, struggling to control the pain and get sensation back into my arm as I desperately tried (and failed) to write. During the surgery, the surgeon discovered that I had a nerve wrapped around a bone spur in my neck. He pulled out the disc, fixed the problem, shoved in a cadaver bone, and fused the vertebrae together with a metal plate.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_yMnMSEgZ9IE7CWXYsEys1nPz_3K66fsok7TxJJ9LHnYS_1pwi5YyupUWuLgkDPZtZZUt7WMSC6PdaKQUAbHHYwqRj9bHHTLbejpygz69BT1fI7cN5kuR4NpzdPLiFEM99Hqi4qgT3Uo/s1600/SixMilMan.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_yMnMSEgZ9IE7CWXYsEys1nPz_3K66fsok7TxJJ9LHnYS_1pwi5YyupUWuLgkDPZtZZUt7WMSC6PdaKQUAbHHYwqRj9bHHTLbejpygz69BT1fI7cN5kuR4NpzdPLiFEM99Hqi4qgT3Uo/s1600/SixMilMan.jpeg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My neck surgery cost as much as this guy</td></tr>
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Yes, I have dead people's parts in me and I am part machine. I am like the Six Million Dollar Man, not because I have any cool abilities, but because that's how much the surgery costed (bye-bye book advance).<br />
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By May, I'd recovered enough to start writing again, which was good because I'd written less than sixty pages of <i>The Legend Thief</i>, a manuscript I was supposed to deliver in April. Fortunately, my awesome editor, Courtney Bongiolatti at S&S, was very understanding and extended my deadline.<br />
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Unfortunately, by August<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt;">—</span>the month before launch<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt;">—</span>the pain started to return and I began to get zingers down my arm. The nerve hadn't quite recovered. Additionally, I had a bulging disc and a pinched nerve on the level above the fusion. The doctor put me on Neurontin, a non-narcotic medication for nerve pain, and it helped a bit.<br />
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I delivered the first draft of <i>The Legend Thief</i> in August amidst some intense apologies (it wasn't very good at the time, unlike now, four revisions later).<br />
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In September, we launched <i>Return to Exile</i>.<br />
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After launch, I quickly discovered that I couldn't tolerate standing/sitting for more than an hour or so at a time. As a new author, no one knows who you are. If you can't get out in front of people, no one will ever know who you are and your book will suffer as a result. There's a tipping point at which word-of-mouth takes over, but you need a critical mass of fans talking about the book before that can happen. So, I tried to push through the pain and get out in front of people.<br />
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My illusions around "heroic will" triumphing over all obstacles came to a sad end when, after spending six hours at various Costco signings, I ended up in the ER, unable to string a complete sentence together. The aggravated nerves in my neck had caused muscle spasms that pinched the arteries and slowed the blood flow to my brain. At least, that was the best guess after ruling out stroke and other possibilities. Fortunately, there was no permanent damage, though those who commonly read this blog may disagree.<br />
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That event pretty much ended my launch before it even began. Since then, I've focused on revising <i>The Legend Thief</i>. My creativity<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt;">—</span>which was stymied by pain and possibly Neurontin (which I went off of in December)<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt;">—</span>has slowly returned. I've worked with a physical therapist for several months, and my neck is now pretty much under control. In February, I presented at the "Life, the Universe, and Everything" symposium to test the waters and see how well my neck would hold up, and I'm happy to say it went great!<br />
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I'm back. I'm ready. We're relaunching <i>Return to Exile</i>. I'm late to the game, and I could use some help.<br />
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If you are a blogger, <a href="http://returntoexileblogtour.blogspot.com/p/host-tour-stop.html" target="_blank">click here to sign up for the <i>Return to Exile</i> blog tour</a>. Signing up basically means that you'll mention <i>Return to Exile</i> on your blog on whatever date you sign up for. This could include a review, a giveaway, an interview with me, or even a simple mention or link on the side of your blog<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 16px;">—</span>whatever you want. You don't have to blog about books to sign up. All blogs<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 16px;">—books, </span>foods, crafts, parenting, whatever<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 16px;">—</span>are invited! We have over twenty amazing blogs that have already registered for the tour, so join the party! The more the merrier!<br />
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Additionally, we're trying to setup school visits as part of the tour. If you're a teacher, librarian, principal, or other academic sort, click on the <a href="http://www.ejpatten.com/p/school-visits.html" target="_blank">"For Educators"</a> tab to learn more about inviting me to your school. I know it's the end of the year, your schedules are full, and you're out of budget. I wish I could do all my visits for free, but a six million dollar surgery is a lot of surgery to pay off. Having said that, we are willing to work with you no matter where your school is located, or your circumstances, so don't hesitate to <a href="mailto:dianalault@gmail.com" target="_blank">contact us</a> (and by "us," I mean my assistant who is handling all of this). My presentation is different from anything you and your students might have seen before (see <a href="http://www.ejpatten.com/p/school-visits.html" target="_blank">"For Educators"</a> for more info), and I'd really love to visit as many schools as possible before the end of the year. Invite me! You won't be disappointed!<br />
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Finally, spread the word! Tell everyone you know to buy the book! <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Return-to-Exile/222910744407150" target="_blank">Like my Facebook page</a>! I have a lot of ground to make up and it's all uphill. I appreciate every ounce of support, and a big thank you to my fans, my family, my friends, my editor, my agent, and all the others who have supported me through this! You have no idea what your encouragement has meant!<br />
<br />EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7217000342459556638.post-91367625830477079692012-02-27T17:58:00.000-07:002012-02-28T07:41:35.145-07:00Yogandicard vs. Edward<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglo-15dTFRCAI39NrQhwhKNgrt5p_-GrJVp6Y0j9b-fDoFzxSEz7rZkY8GWbcR1XS1twxsRlNOtNecoFHbCapX-m_NfjHBriJbByYCKGPzslRGyZQ9gs7C6iCmi95ta3KFqUnYgNrh8Ys/s1600/Walmart.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglo-15dTFRCAI39NrQhwhKNgrt5p_-GrJVp6Y0j9b-fDoFzxSEz7rZkY8GWbcR1XS1twxsRlNOtNecoFHbCapX-m_NfjHBriJbByYCKGPzslRGyZQ9gs7C6iCmi95ta3KFqUnYgNrh8Ys/s1600/Walmart.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why do I have a picture of <br />
Robert Pattinson (aka, Edward)<br />
walking in front of a Walmart sign?<br />
Because Walmart is awesome.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
If you haven't noticed from my new blog layout, major changes are afoot. I've hired an assistant who actually knows what she is doing. Amazing, I know. My online presence is about as good as my offline presence, which means that unless you visit Walmart at two in the morning or live in the cramped confines of a Redbox, you probably haven't seen or heard from me for a while.<br />
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My apologies. I finished the third draft of The Legend Thief a short time ago (at five in the morning after countless sleepless nights) and I'm waiting to hear from Courtney (my editor at Simon & Schuster) on whether there will be a fourth draft. Additionally, I'm working on some new books, visiting conferences and classrooms, and trying to beat a wicked level in Dungeon Siege 3. Okay, I've really only played it twice since finishing draft three, but that's more recreation than I've done in the last six months.<br />
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What I'm saying is, I've been busy. It's a lame excuse. If I had a better one, I would use it.<br />
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I've hired <a href="http://dianasamazingbookadventures.blogspot.com/" target="newwindow">Diana</a> (my assistant) to help me coordinate, and to schedule events that will lure me out of my cave and into the burning light of day (it burns, it burns!).<br />
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I can't promise that I will be a more consistent blogger, or that I will visit your school and/or stop spying on you at work, but I can promise that I might, if it's convenient and if I feel like it that day. I'd like to say I'll try, but I have a mini angel Yoda on my shoulder talking about "doing" and the devil Yoda has gone out to lunch. Invisible Gandalf has taken his place, and he just started beat-boxing with angel Yoda; I hope robo-Captain Picard doesn't show up, or this could get very ugly, very fast. You really don't want to see what happens when they transform into Yogandicard--Voltron's nemesis. Trust me, the beat-boxing doesn't get any better.<br />
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If you are a teacher, librarian, or other educator type, and you'd like me to visit your school, check out the soon-to-be completed "For Teachers" tab and contact Diana (dianalault@gmail.com) for more information. No spammers, or I will sick Yogandicard on you.<br />
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Diana is also organizing a blog tour. If you are a blogger of any kind, even if you've featured me or Return to Exile before, take a look at the "Return to Exile Blog Tour" tab. We're going to do all sorts of giveaways and promotions, so sign up.<br />
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Finally, you'll notice a "sign up for my newsletter" widget somewhere to the left. I'm planning to send out a newsletter once a quarter, at most, and more likely twice a year. The free newsletter will contain exclusive bits of info, news, stories, and art from the world of The Hunter Chronicles (and whatever else I want to include), so once again--be the first person on your block to own a brand new biodegradable newsletter (no bits are harmed in the making of this newsletter, though some are frequently electrocuted).<br />
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That's all for now. I need to step away and have a word with Yogandicard (don't ask).EJ Pattenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08278748884948255334noreply@blogger.com5