Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Mollusks, Our Ancient Enemies

For some time, I've been intending to warn the world about the dangers of mollusks, our ancient enemies. Some of you might find this amusing. Some of you might find this disturbing and only slightly amusing. Others of you might decide you're hungry and take a break from reading to grab a snack and maybe a refreshing beverage, like a Coke, or maybe some sort of sparkling cider or juice.

BEWARE!

Phylum Mollusca is EVERYWHERE! If my all caps isn't enough to convince you, then just look out your window. Some of you might see a snail, a slug, or a clam. Others of you might see more snails. Maybe a chiton, or a nudibranch; both have hilarious names and become quite aggressive when you laugh at them.

Those readers who live in undersea communities like Atlantis or Cowville (also called Mu), or possibly in your own evil underwater arcology (I'm talking to you Francine! Stop emailing me brochures!) might even see a giant cephalopod--"cepha," from the Greek, meaning "head," and "lopods," also from the Greek, meaning "low priced storage unit for use when moving."

So why are mollusks our ancient enemies, you might be wondering?
  1. They create their own money. Oysters produce both pearl AND mother of pearl. I'll bet most of you didn't even know that pearls had mothers. And the worst part is, mother of pearl is fire-retardant, so our flame-throwers won't even work on them. Just think of it: a huge pearl sitting out there, producing thousands, maybe even millions of fire-retardant baby pearls. How long do you think it will be before they become sentient and take over the world economy? And how do you think the mother of pearl will react when she finds out we've been stringing her children together and wearing them around our necks on formal occasions?
  2. Schistosomiasis. I'm not making this word up, though I can see why you thought I might. Seriously, how many funny names can one phylum own? I haven't even mentioned "gastropod" yet, let alone "cillia."
  3. Giant squid. Need I say more?
  4. Yes. Yes, I need say more. Mollusks are gross. And they're overrunning my yard.
Even now, I have a snail hanging on my basement window watching me, always watching. The French know how to treat their mollusks; when will the rest of the world learn?

The truth is, children may be our future, but their mother will be pearl.

And possibly Octomom.

2 comments:

Dave Butler said...

These are known truths. Ask H.P. Lovecraft, or Owen Zastava Pitt.

Ia Cthulhu! Beware the Yellow Sign.

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