Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The First Thanksgiving, A Tofu Turkey Story


I am officially the worst blogger ever. To make up for my extended absence from the blogosphere, I have included this picture of a delicious tofu turkey.

Oh, wait...that's a real turkey. Here's a tofu turkey:

Mmmm...er, looks scrumptious?

Few people know the true story of the first Thanksgiving, when there were no turkeys to be found, and the pilgrims joined with the Wampanoag Native Americans to crush their enemies and create the first edible tofu turkey. Back then, tofu was considered sacred to the Wampanoag Native Americans...well, to one Wampanoag Native American, really. His name was Tofumoset, but most people just called him "Tofu, The Completely Mental." He was a bit of an outsider. Liked to smash open pumpkins and play with the entrails while giving everyone his best "mad scientist" laugh.

One day, in the midst of slaughtering a neighboring tribe, Tofumoset found a small seed. He planted it, hoping that it would grow big and tall and take him to the land of the giants in the clouds where, he heard, they had silver and gold and discounted coupons to the local cineplex.

The seed turned out to be a corn kernel. But the seed next to the corn kernel turned out to be a soybean seed, which grew and grew until there were plants everywhere.

When the pilgrim's learned of Tofumoset's secret soybean field, they of course killed Tofumoset with the help of the other Wampanoag Native Americans and stole his harvest, giving thanks that their gourds were now safe and they wouldn't have to hear Tofumoset's stupid mad-scientist laugh anymore. To celebrate, they created a soybean turkey for Thanksgiving and named it after Tofu.

And thus, the first Thanksgiving tofu turkey was born.

It brings a tear to my eye every time I hear that story. So touching.


THE HUNTER CHRONICLES, BOOK 1: RETURN TO EXILE (UPDATE)

For those of you looking for actual information, I'm signing at the Lehi, Utah Costco on December 3 from 11:00-12:30, and the Sandy, Utah Costco from 2:00-3:30 on the same day.

This Christmas, give the gift of a new Porsche, to me, by buying my book for everyone you've ever met. Ever. A Porsche under my Christmas tree would be much better than the can of leftover Thanksgiving pumpkin I'm expecting. Dig deep. If you liked the book, spread the word.

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